Cut the Shit

I love Ari.

As Fast As I Possibly Can

Um.

Somehow when I didn’t get the raise that I wanted, I still ended up getting the extra work. It’s beastly over here and I have had little to no time to breathe, much less write emails, write in this journal, write the upcoming play my company is doing. Actually seems like I’m missing out on a lot of writing. Shouldn’t I be missing out on a lot of acting? Well…yeah. Hmmmm…I just meant that my job has my fingers typing on the bone. Go away.

As I walked back from lunch with Ari today, I thought how happy I felt to be me. Seriously. I felt like an egomaniac and I loved every second of it. My confidence has bloomed and I’m wearing shorts and t-shirts and dammit if I don’t look just so adorable. Usually I cover up because my body is ripped central, but today that didn’t matter at all. I look good in my clothes and I feel good, so why shouldn’t I believe it?

It’s funny. When you lose your independence, you become this scared and insecure person that forgets all of the wonderful things that make you, you. But when you rediscover your identity and you start feeling the way that you did back when, it all makes sense again. It’s like when you smell something and you are catapulted back to that memory. This new feeling of confidence is like that smell…I remember it and I love it and I’m so happy with how comfortable this particular shoe fits.

I wouldn’t have felt this way had I not had lunch with Ari. There’s something about hanging out with someone who makes you feel good about yourself that does wonders for the psyche. Ari respects me and expects me to respect myself. Done deal. And now I’m no top of the world.

My birthday is Saturday. This is the first year of my life where I haven’t bombarded my friends with questions and worries as to what we’re doing and how much fun it will be. Birthdays are a huge deal to me and I’ve been known to blow wads of cash on ensuring that the person of honor feels like royalty. This year, Kelly and Angie are planning my day and I’m wicked excited about it. However, I’m also wicked nervous about it. When I talked to Ari today she said “Is this birthday thing still happening?” And I started to get those old feelings of UH OH. I should have taken care of this myself. But that’s just because I’m a nut bag and overly concerned about insignificant things. Right? I told her that the reminder evite would be delivered by tomorrow so there shouldn’t be a worry.

I hope.

I’m going to be 28 y’all. Holla? Nah. No hollas. Just weirdness. My friend Meggles said to me today that this will be the best year of my life. And you know what? I think it just may be. Each New Year’s I think that the upcoming year will be when I’ll make changes in my life and be happier. But it never happens. Without me even fully understanding it, I’ve made changes this year and it’s like a ball that just keeps growing and growing and molting into something new and unexpected.

28 very well may be the turning point of my life. The moment when I grow up, walk out on my own, live my dreams. God, it scares me. Success…happiness…spontaneity…it all freaks me the fuck out. And maybe that’s why I was living in a depressive hole for so long. I was afraid to enjoy and be surprised by what life has to offer.

And now.

Now.

Now, I’m moving forward. I no longer sit in the audience.

Rock it out 28…I’m fucking ready for you.

A Hodgepodge of Monday Bullshit

Gay Pride 2005 is officially over in NYC.

Thank goodness. I am so tired today. I just went down to take my lunch break/nap and I laid there exhausted. I couldn’t even sleep, just total body fatigue. If I didn’t have a therapy appointment right after work, I’m sure that I would be in bed by 7pm. And no there is nothing wrong with that!

Yesterday, instead of going to the pride parade, I met up with mom who is in town on business. We went to my favorite brunch place, Southwest NY for bottles of wine and appetizers. We must have sat at our table for a good 4 hours, just talking and laughing and catching up on all that is Cut the Shit. There is not a woman on the planet that I love more than my mother. Aside from the fact that she is gorgeous (I must get it from SOMEWHERE, ha), she’s hilarious and also such a good listener. While a mile high pile of cheese fries sat in between us untouched, I actually told her about the muscle guy I met up with a few months ago. Yes, THAT muscle guy. She handled it so well and actually said “I’m really proud of you for making the decision to meet him.” Thanks mom! SO glad that you support my need for male escorts! heh heh heh.

My birthday is this upcoming Saturday. Joe CuttheShit turns 28! Geezum. Who would have ever thought this day would come? I’m like an adult now or something. When I turned 27 last year, I was kind of irritated by it. But 28 seems kind of fun. 28 seems manly and full of surprises. But mostly it just seems manly. Cuz I like it when anything is man-like. Like MANgos and MANgina.

I saw the movie Sideways this weekend. I had been putting it off cuz it looked kind of snoresville to me. I know it was nominated for Oscars among other awards, but for some reason, I just didn’t love it. Maybe it’s because I have this weird pet peeve with people acting in love with the food or drink they’re consuming. It’s one thing to LOVE a cheeseburger, it’s another thing to go on and on about how juicy and tasty each morsel is as it slides down your throat. FUCKING HORK. When I’m at Thanksgiving dinner and my Granny says “DELICIOUS! The turkey is SCRUMPTIOUS” and proceeds to follow it up with lip smacking and moans of pleasure, I want to jump off the roof. I can’t STAND that shit. So when the characters in Sideways were discussing the flavor and texture of the wine they were drinking, I was crawling out of my skin with irritation. Plus, the plotline was super boring. I mean, how original is the whole “buddies going on vacation before one gets married” theme? Sure, the acting was excellent and the countryside of California is always good for a few moments. But SNUHNORESVILLE is the grade I would like to give this movie.

On the flip side, Queer as Folk is kicking major ass this season. Maybe it’s because it’s the last one and they’re pulling out all the stops. Or maybe it’s because the L Word was one big rollercoaster of yawn this time around. But in any case, Queer… is rocking it out. Of course there are some majorly campy moments that are definitely not MEANT to be campy, but that goes with the Queer as Folk territory. However, the storyline between Brian and Justin has gotten virtually addicting. They are my two favorite characters on the show and watching Justin break up with Brian has touched very close to my personal life these days. And on top of that, the song that played at the end of the episode last night was a modern version of “You are my Sunshine” which I sang to Paul during the first six months of us getting together. It was all eerily familiar and upsetting. Life imitating art imitating life. Jump on board and catch the last season while you still can.

And not that I need to be the 157,000th person to comment on Tom Cruise, but I just gotta. I hate you Tom Cruise. I love your movies, but I would whack-a-mole your head so fast if I could. Sit down and shut up for once you big mouthed, small bodied, shrimp face. WHACK!

I guess I’m officially crazy now that I’m beginning two days of therapy a week. My appointment is at 5:45pm tonight and that kind of sucks asshole. Ooh yeah. Oh hot baby oh. Suck that tight ass hole!

I’m finally seeing the movie Crash tomorrow night. I’ve heard wonderful things and I’m really excited to see what that bitch is all about. And I had pizza for lunch today. There. Now I’ve officially told two really boring stories in one paragraph.

My little hamster guy “Jim” is just about 2 years old. Which in human years is like 97 years old. I got home the other day to find that he wasn’t in his cage. I was immediately pissed off at Paul for leaving his cage open, although he promised that he didn’t do it. In any case, I looked everywhere for what I was sure was going to be his dead body. But instead, I found him curled up in our heater. And he was sleeping on a bed that he had fashioned from leaves, paper towels, and sticks. Where he found all of that roughage, I’ll never know, but the 5 foot fall from his cage didn’t kill him. But it did give him a second lease on life. I haven’t seen him run on his wheel this fast in months. Also, as I sat smoking a cigarette the other night, I watched him pop open his cage on his own and begin to climb out. Can you believe it? The little man has figured out how to let himself out of his cage!?! What a smart little jerkoff!

I love that little bastard and I know that he’s just a hamster. But truthfully, I love him more than you. And you’re a human being. You understand.

Can this week be over? I have off Monday-Wednesday next week and I am SO fucking excited. I plan to stay up late and sleep in late and do everything LATE! But not LATTE, cuz I’m not a coffee drinker. Daytime TV is so hilariously stupid, but I love when I get the chance to watch it. Maury Povich…I’ll see YOU on my couch, if I can get my ass out of bed. Otherwise, I’ll see you in my bed you hot, grey haired, wrinkle of a man.

Alright, time to get ready for therasnores. Maybe I’ll cut myself on the arm today just so we have something really interesting to talk about. Yeah. Yeah, that’s a REALLY good idea.

Peace out bitches.

What a Week, What a WEEK! I actually got six and a half WHOLE hours of sleep last night! I had every intention of getting at least a full eight hours; I figured I deserved that having gone to bed at 3am almost every day this week. But no. There’s always someone to talk to when you really should be closing your eyes and being quiet. And with that lame introduction to this post being written, let’s dive right in, shall we? Ari and I, as you know, have been attached at the hip this week. So it made perfect sense that on Wednesday, we should meet up for a quick bowl and then head down to the East Village to meet up with some new friends. Ari is the perfect date to have, especially since we both get irritated at the exact same things. For instance, she told me a hundred times that we shouldn’t take a cab from the Upper West Side to the Lower bowels of the East Side during rush hour, but do I listen? NEVER! And we ended up in that damn cab for at least a half an hour, if not longer. My bad? I had the absolute pleasure of meeting Miss Chloe from The Virginity Monologues. She is a spunky little thing with a great sense of humor and laden with innocence. I felt like I robbed her of her virginity just with the trash that came out of my mouth. And also, I found myself yelling at her for one thing or another throughout the night. As my close friends know, I’m all about playing games with boys and I, for some reason, took it upon myself to school Chloe in the art of being an asshole. While I don’t encourage her to change from a sweet and wonderful girl into a man hungry slut whore, I definitely want her to be able to meet a guy, play his sweet ass, and then send him on his way begging for more. She’s got it in her. And clearly it’s up to me to pull it out of her. Ah geez Joe. Just worry about your OWN life for once, right? In any case, the Fish was there as well and she brought along a very sweet girl who works at MTV news. I’m sorry…MTV NEWS!??!?! Why I found out that information two minutes before she got into a cab is beyond me. Except that maybe my friends didn’t want to see my dick turn into a vagina right before their very eyes. I love you MTV. Forever and ever Amen. Now I change the subject before I have to fully disclose that I’m a 14 year old girl trapped in a manboy’s body. Also in attendance at the outing was this guy Randy who I met over two years ago. He is such an exceptional guy and I’m shocked that I’ve let it go this long without hanging out with him again. His boyfriend joined us for the event too and like Randy, he is a wonderful, sweet, interesting guy. God, we talked about everything from past sexual experiences, to career goals, to whether or not we had our dicks sliced when we were born. AND, most importantly, Randy and his boyfriend told me that they went through the process of becoming domestic partners! UM! I don’t know anyone that has actually done that. Aside from the fact that it scares the piss out of me (I’m 28 and still have no idea when in the world I’ll be partnered up in the same fashion), seeing them happy and treat each other so nicely warmed my heart and gave me hope for the future. Randy and his BF made quite an impression on me. So much so that when they invited me back to their pad for drinks and smokes, I just had to go! We picked up a bottle of wine and took a hilarious cab ride for 5 blocks. JOE WALKS NOWHERE. hahaha. (Cept I’m not kidding.) Once there, Chloe and the boys treated me to some wonderful conversation. And then it happened, their roommate walked in and I immediately fell in love. Her name is Tess and she is a barrel of fucking fun. She’s got a gorgeous singing voice and has one of those personalities that just sucks you in immediately. I was hugging her and fighting with her and laughing with her all within the first 15 minutes. And BEST part?!? Tess, Randy and boyfriend have skits they do that are so fucking hilarious I always burst into tears while shitting out of my asshole and pissing myself. For example…they do this one skit called “Human Bop-it”. You remember that “Bop-it” game right?? Randy’s boyfriend plays the Tessa Bop-it and she rocks it out. Oh My God. I laughed (and am still laughing) at the memory of that. “Ay PAPI!” As the night went on, there were 3 full games of Catchphrase, all of which I competed in as though it was the Special Olympics. My ugly, ever annoying, competitive side came out to play and everyone was like “We invited this kid over for WHAT reason?” No, they were all totally cool to me regardless of my drunk ass running around the apartment as though I owned it. Another hour later and I’m still drinking wine and talking up a storm. Their other roommate Jack walked in and was an incredibly friendly, pretty good looking straight guy, with bad jeans. He plays Catchphrase very well and went out of his way to make sure that I was comfortable when I ended up sleeping over. Yeah, that’s right…sleeping over. Something I never do. But circumstances kind of forced that upon me. And to be honest, I loved it. I think I’ll ask if I can sleep over again soon. This week has been so crazy and while I sat here complaining that I had no friends to spend gay pride with, some wonderful gay people came out of the woodwork and reminded me that it IS possible to make great new friends in this city. For so long I’ve only been hanging out with my close friends and my boyfriend and I’ve missed out on the other adventures that this city has to offer. In the past, not being able to spend time with my best friends has caused me to stay home alone. But with my life changing so fast, so is my need to escape from the box I’ve trapped myself in. Gay pride has been about so much more than being gay this year. It’s been about being liberated and independent. I’m going to some great parties’ tomorrow night and while I was kind of dreading them all week, I am now absolutely stoked about it! I have new friends that I look forward to seeing and (it seems) look forward to seeing me. How incredible and totally just in time. My mom is coming down on Sunday to spend a few days in the city for business. I can’t wait to see her and to tell her all about my new adventures. She’s been encouraging me to spread my wings and fly for the longest time. Now that I’m actually doing it, she’s going to beam with pride. And I’m proud of myself too. I’ve been so insecure and scared to be me for so long. Now that I’m actually letting go and allowing myself to grow, I’m naturally happier and more excited about the changes that are taking control of my life. Before you know it, I will be acting in a serious show, making serious money, and building up a serious resume. I’ll be conquering this city in the way that I had always dreamed. New friends, new life, new goals. I can’t believe how much God has blessed me ever since I started to get help. And suddenly, I’m not as angry as I was in the beginning of the week. Suddenly, I could care less about all that shit. Joe CuttheShit. Feels good to be back.

The Walking Dead I have so much to say about last night. It was such an intense and mind blowing evening on so many levels. My eyes are so bloodshot from the lack of sleep I've gotten. But it has been unbelievably worth it. My gay pride turned into an actual GAY pride and I can't wait to share all of the details tomorrow. But for now...for now I go home, make a nice, quiet dinner and try to remember what it was like when I got more than 2 and a half hours of sleep a night. I can't even believe that I made it through work today. Chloe, Randy, Ari, Fish and the gang...you're the best. The super best. The most awesome best I ever zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz We'll talk more about how you're the bestest tomorrow.

Title Honestly, I have so much to say today that unless I write it all in list format, I’ll never make this a coherent post. Just live it and love it. Or I’ll punch you square in your twats. And yes, I meant twatS. If you don’t got two, you don’t rock with me. List of Randomness 1) Ari Goes Down and I have spent more time together in the last 48 hours than I have with my own boyfriend. We dine together, we smoke the pipe together, we drink together (me chardonnay, she diet coke), and we love every second of it. Seriously, I had lunch with her both yesterday and today and hung out with her last night. And I have plans to see her again! Ah geez…are we falling in love now or what? 2) While hanging out with Ari Goes Down last night, I met one miss Karol from Alarming News. I’d link her in this post, but I’m totally html illiterate and it always ruins my blog for no reason. Anyway, Karol turned out to be one of the most refreshing and interesting personalities I’ve met in a long time. Other than the fact that she’s totally adorable and red-headed, she’s funny/cool shit and knows how to have a good time. I love her open mind, her excitement to talk politics (and not make it ugly) and her absolute devotion to expanding her mind by experiencing new things. I’ve linked Karol’s Alarming News website number two because she’s way more famous than me, but also because I adore her and want to get to know her better as soon as possible. You get to know her too or you go away. And also you die. 3) After lunch with Ari today, we got locked INSIDE of her office. With no way to get out. INSIDE. With NO WAY TO GET OUT. I fucked her against her will. 4) I spent most of the night sleeping on the couch. Paul and I aren’t doing so well. 5) Although I was, and am still, upset with what’s going on with my friends, I went over to Mariah’s apartment to hang out with JoJo last night. JoJo is one of those friends that I don’t talk to EVER, but we are connected at the soul. I always bail on seeing her cuz I know I haven’t been the friend that I should be to her. Not that she’s been that friend to me, but still…I carry guilt on everything. We found some time last night to sit and talk about what’s going on in both of our lives and I walked away from the experience remembering the good in people. The people that just care about you, no strings attached. I don’t think I’ll be avoiding JoJo again in the future. 6) I tripped walking out of my building today and balanced my fall on a pregnant black woman. I literally grabbed her by the shoulders and held her until I got my footing. Ironically enough, when I apologized, she said “No problem sweetie” and my day officially started off a high note. She then asked me to help her down a set of stairs and I told her to go fuck herself. I’m busy, fat ass. 7) Lots of changes at my job and I’ve seemed to come out of it all unscathed. I got a 20% raise and a new title and I should be totally stoked. But I’m a selfish greedy bitch that believes I deserve more. So I’ll do my job and I’ll put a smile on my face, but the minute I get the chance to blow a high powered executive…dick in mouth. New job fast. Money in pocket. yeah. 8) I just fell in love with Dead Like Me and I find out from a reader that it’s cancelled. I can’t even explain the fury. I mean…reruns of Supernanny all summer? Or DEFINITELY Hit Me Baby One More Time! I mean…my Lord in Heaven Above. Is America trying on PURPOSE to make our brains turn to mush? God forbid there ever be quality television that makes us think and grow. Some people say that television rots your brain. That has never been a truer statement. 9) My therapist is on vacation this week which means that I’M on vacation this week. Course, this week I’ve been a crazy bitch and could have used the therapy, but whatever. If she’s on vacation, then I’m technically allowed to act like as much of a psycho as I can. She’ll clean up the mess next week. Right? Well, to be honest, no one really asked you anyway. Oh yeah. I did. But I don’t care about your answer. (I gotta go) 10) (I’m back) (with a vengeance) My friend Rita is pregnant. There I said it. At what point can I finally start rejoicing Reets? It’s a huge, huge deal and I’m totally having a baby. I mean, of course her husband thinks it’s HIS baby, but please. I steal the baby for my own as soon as they fall asleep. I’ve named the baby Gwendolyn, cuz that’s the lamest name I could think of for a red-headed baby. It will probably be a boy, but I’ll buy him dresses and call him Gwennie for as long as I want. I said it’s my baby and I’ll cry if I want to. YAY BABY TIME! 11) I always have to have a favorite new song. It’s just how it’s done. Well, my favorite new song(s) these days are Natasha Bedingfield’s These Words and Janet Jackson’s Just a Little While. I’m telling you…Damita Jo sucked some ass, but she came out with a couple brilliant songs on that album. And I just love her anyway. I don’t care if she’s related to a nightmare, she’s Janet and she’s forever the fucking coolest. 12) Gay Pride Gay Pride Gay Pride! And I’ve spent the whole thing with straight people! But I guess Gay Pride is more than just being happy as a gay person. It’s about tolerance and love and celebrating life. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz it’s about hot ass, strong drinks, and straight bashing. And if you fuck with me, I’ll stick my dick so far up your straight ass, you will cry and cry and ah geez…this ain't going anywhere. Let’s start again: 13) Gay Pride Gay Pride Gay Pride! And I’ve spent the whole thing with straight people! But I guess Gay Pride is more than ah forget it. I gotta take a shit. See? Obviously list format was KEY in writing this post. As you can tell, I had many important things to share. Whoever came up with lists is my personal hero. In fact, I am about to take out a post it, make a list of “to do’s” and shove it up my asshole. All in the name of gay pride! Peace out bitches.

I’m SERIOUSLY PISSED the FUCK OFF (If you are a close friend of mine and you are reading this, I warn you now, it may be best to close the browser and come back tomorrow. Don’t make me apologize for this later. It’s my fucking journal afterall.) I’m definitely going crazy right now. There can be no other possible explanation. For some reason, everyone and everything is getting on my nerves today. It’s like everyone I talk to is so fucking passive aggressive that I’m left after each conversation with a pit of annoyance in my stomach. I’m sure that it’s 50% my fault, but at the same time, it can’t ALL be my fault. It just CAN’T! For example…I had plans to hang out with my friend Mariah tonight. It was going to be a simple hang out with dinner and drinks and talks and probably loud music. Then I found out from Kelly that my friend JoJo would be there. First of all, why Kelly knew this and I didn’t is a little ridiculous to me since I’m the one that was supposed to be hanging out over there. Yet, the real problem is that, while I love me some JoJo, I’m not the strong and capable Joe CuttheShit that I was a while back. I’m doing my best to only do what I want to do these days. It’s hard enough getting through the day and pretending that I’m in a great mood all the time, but when I have to do so on my free time as well...well…let’s just say it’s not as easy for me as it as it used to be. Aside from the depression and therapy and everything else, Paul and I are in the middle of a break down and I just can’t add anything else on to my plate right now. It’s gay pride week in the city and I’m not planning on hanging out with any of my close friends. Sure, they’re all lesbians and they want to do different things than I would want to do. In the past, I would just go and do what they wanted to do, cuz there was no chance of them changing their plans for me. This year, I’m kind of sick of that shit, so I made my own plans and am going to hang out with guys instead of my best friends. I wish it weren’t that way, but it’s my only other option other than becoming a full blown lesbian. And I gotta tell you, no offense to you lesbos out there, but your community is rude and obnoxious and extremely hard to hang out with. As a gay man, I very RARELY feel comfortable in a group of you all. What the fuck is wrong with you bitches? Gay men NEVER do that to you. Oddly enough, I feel more comfortable in a straight bar. So, there it is. My friends will do what they want to do and I will hang out with the people I usually ditch for my best friends. Funny, cuz these “outside” friends of mine have gone to great lengths to include me and do what I want to do this week. Maybe it’s because we have similar interests or maybe it’s because they give a shit. Who knows. I’m a raging bitch today. Without a doubt. I’m so fucking tired of feeling like an outsider with my friends. I’m so fucking tired of never seeing them, having to just “understand” that they’re busy. Back in the day I used to switch friends every couple of years. It was really immature, but at times like this, I can fully understand why I did that. People can be so fickle and selfish. And I, honest to God, have fucking had enough of it. Some of my best friends are going away on my birthday. I still can’t explain how fucking angry I am at that. God forbid I EVER went away on one of their birthdays! In fact, I’m just the opposite. I go to great lengths for their birthdays and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. How DARE I expect the same? Seriously, I’m so ready to tell my friends all to fuck off and just move on. Maybe it’s because I’m going through one of the hardest periods of my life and I don’t see anyone making any sort of effort to help me through it. Did I bring this on myself? Do I ask too much of people? Am I projecting my own bullshit on to them? I really don’t know yet. But what I do know is that I’m sick and tired of being a part of a “group” that is in no way a “group”. I’m sick of begging people to hang out with me. I’m sick of getting guilt trips for not doing what everyone ELSE wants to do. And most of all, I’m fucking sick and fucking tired of feeling like my friends care more about their fucking relationships than they do a guy that has been there for them for years. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. How did I end up here?

I will KEEL you Monday of my Hate Mondays are so fucking annoying. Yet today wasn’t that bad. But it’s like my psyche can’t allow me to have a good day. Every time the littlest things go wrong, I immediately start cursing in my head. FUCK YOU MONDAY and also FUCK YOU MONDAY. Ahhhh…that’s better. Happy Gay Pride week everyone! At least happy gay pride in NYC. This is sure to be one of the busiest weeks of the year for me. I have plans every single day until next Monday. Do you have any idea how irritating that is? I have so many people to see and so many things to do, yet when I make these many plans, I get stressed and annoyed. Or maybe it’s just Monday. Had a pretty great weekend. I was up until about 7:30am Saturday morning…meaning still up from Friday night. I had an awesome time out in the city with a variety of people. It was like we bar hopped and picked up new people on the way. It was great fun. Then when I got in the cab to go home, I called my friend Rita and we ended up talking on the phone for hours and hours. Actually, here’s a funny story about that: I was in the cab going home, and on the phone with Rita for at least 20 minutes, before I realized that the cab driver was literally driving around in circles. Rita and I were having an intense conversation and I didn’t notice that he was in the process of fucking me over. In fact, I thought he was taking me somewhere to kill me. In any case, I asked the driver to “please bring me home” and you know what he did? He said “Oh ok.” And then started driving me home. WHAT THE FUCK!? I finally pulled up to the front of my building about 45 minutes after I got into the cab. The total bill for the ride home was $19.20 when it should have been about $6. I was pretty fucking angry and I asked the driver if he was going to make me pay the whole thing. He nodded his head yes and I just started screaming at him. I threw $20 in his face, calling him a pathetic douche bag and telling him that he could go “fuck himself” and blah blah blah. Rita’s on the other end going “WHAAAAAA?!??!” Then as I walk away from the cab, the driver gets out and starts walking after me. I sped up my pace and ran into the nearby grocery store. I lost him, although I totally should have turned around and punched him in his fucking ridiculous face. What a scumbag. Then when I got home, I noticed that Paul had torn through our apartment. There were dirty paper towels all over the floor and some sort of chili concoction all over the stove. It was kind of hilarious, but kind of annoying and I did nothing to clean it up. Even when Paul was at work all day Saturday, I let it sit in the kitchen molding away. I have no intention of cleaning up after Paul’s drunken escapades anymore. You want to drink like a psycho? Then clean up your disasters. I got nothing for you. I spent most of Saturday in bed watching movies and shit. I thoroughly enjoyed The Phantom of the Opera although I’m confused as to why that cast this particular Phantom. His voice was suck city. No vibrato and he spent most of it screaming. Horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE choice for a lead. But whatever. Paul and I watched the entire first season of Dead Like Me yesterday. Talk about an absolutely brilliant show! It’s hilarious, intense, and sad all at the same time. Such beautiful writing and the acting performances are one of a kind. Give this show a chance if you haven’t already. I think you’re going to be pretty shocked by how wonderful it is. As a rule, I try to watch a little of everything that’s on TV. As an actor, I think it’s very important to stay on top of the entertainment industry and to learn and absorb all that you can via the television, magazines, and stage. Luckily for me, I LOVE all three of these things. But then again, there’s nothing else I would want to do with my life anyway. So it works out nicely. Dead Like Me was one of those rare surprises that sticks with you for days. Ok…enough is enough. I didn’t even want to write a post today and look what came out of my fingers! Tomorrow, I’m totally writing a nonsensical, laugh out loud post. These recaps of my life have been utterly boring to read and even more boring for me to write. Peace out fucking shit head Monday asshole.

Right Quick

Oh man...it's so super late and I really need to go to bed...but before I do...

Kelly...thank you for making the first half of my night everything it could have been. You have proven to be the best friend a guy could have. I can take you anywhere and you will steal the show. And make me look good in the process. Tonight meant the world to me. When I feel like I'm alone and that everyone is concerned with their own life, up you stand to prove otherwise. You have always been good to me and I trust that you always will be. It's rare to find someone that loves someone else more than themself. And I believe that you feel that way about me. It may sound ridiculous, but you love me. And I am SO RELIEVED and comforted to have that. You make me feel safe. Always.

Rita...who knew that I would almost be kidnapped by a cabbie, end up coming home to find chili all over the walls and saying goodnight to you at 4:30am. While Kelly was the beginning of my night, you were the perfect end. We could talk for days and days and I will never get tired of talking about everything from infidelity to our feelings on the Cold War.
haha. As though we would ever waste time on the Cold War.
You may not live in NYC, but you are my bestest and one of the very few who cares more about me than their own personal situation. And you have Gwennie growing in your belly. You actually tell the baby to SHHH so that you and I can talk forever. I will never be able to tell you how much I love you. It's just impossible. It's honest to God unnatural and totally impossible to explain it.
I'll tell Gwennie about it 20 years from now.

You are my girls.

Forever and ever Amen.

Moving Forward Today. Well, let’s start with yesterday. Right before I was leaving work last night, my good friend Ari emailed me and asked if I wanted to get a glass of wine with her. I was in a really depressed funk and thought that the best way to get out of it was to have a drink with a good friend that I haven’t seen in a while. So I left work and Ari and I met up at our usual Tuesday ritual restaurant. We sat outside, drank wine, smoked cigarettes and watched a hurricane blow through the city. There was also this semi-hot guy in the bar that I (for some reason) fell in love with while sitting with Ari. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in quick obsessions that I have to take it to a ridiculous level. When the semi-hot guy went to the bathroom, I went over to his friend and asked if he was single. When he told me he was married, I told him that I was asking about him for Ari. Haha! She handled that very well considering that I totally sold her out for a SEMI-hot guy. :) When I got home, I played cards online with my brother for hours and hours and hours. I didn’t quit until Paul came home. We spent some time together talking about a few issues and then he went to bed. I washed my face, ate a quick dinner, and got into bed. At 3am. Who am I kidding? I was going to go home and go to bed early and suddenly I was up later than any other night this week. My friends always say “Get Joe out for one drink, he’s out for the night!” And I prove that theory right every single time! This morning I had a meeting with my boss’s about my impending promotion. I have to say that while I didn’t get exactly what I was asking for, they bent over backwards in what they offered me. I got a title change…I’m now “Office Manager”, and I got a $6500 salary increase. They also signed a contract with me to review my position at the end of the year and to discuss another raise. Not too bad and I know I shouldn’t be anything other than excited. But for some reason I have this lump sitting in my throat. I’m just going through so many changes right now and I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to handle them on the salary I make, as well as my current insecurity with my friendships. There’s just so much. You know it’s funny. My life was in limbo for so long that in many ways I became accustomed to being stagnant. It was easy and although it didn’t make me happy, I never felt as stressed as I do now. At this point, the changes have taken control of my life and I couldn’t slow them down or stop them even if I tried. I got this ball rolling and now it’s moving so fast that it’s become increasingly hard to keep up with it. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It’s Friday and all of this serious talk is putting a major damper on the plans I have for tonight. I’m seeing some friends, having some drinks, and getting out of my head for awhile. Right now I’m going to end this post, go have a cigarette and think happy thoughts. There’s nothing I can do to make my sitatuion any more tolerable right now, so maybe it’s ok for me to take a mini-break away from my life. Just have fun, let whatever happens happen, and do my best to enjoy the weekend that’s coming up. Who ever thought getting happy would be so hard?

A Thursday I know it’s wrong for me to say that this week has been a pain in my ass and that I’m looking forward to the weekend. I mean, I was off until Wednesday, but still…the beast that is this city has just about gotten the best of me. I can’t wait to go home, turn off my phone, and crawl into bed. Key point: turning off my phone. If I get one more angry message for something I haven’t done right, I’m going to rip someone’s face off. Best to pretend I don’t have a phone for a day or two. I had the biggest scare this morning. I was taking a shit and when I went to flush, I noticed that the toilet bowl was bright red. Like I had shit a gallon of blood out of my ass. I stood there in a total panic and was like “OMG! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO? I’m BLEEDING OUT OF MY BUTT HOLE!” And then it hit me…I drank about three pitchers of crystal light “raspberry ice” last night. And the dye from that drink stains EVERYTHING. Including bowels. hahaha. So phew! No bleeding out of my ass. I don’t even stick dicks in there so I have absolutely no reason to have blood come out. Thank goodness I remembered drinking all that shit. Otherwise I’d be walking around with a huge band aid on my ass hole today for no reason. So, the head of our board came in today to fire someone in my office. It was nutso. The person that got fired has been punching the wall and herself ever since. No, I’m not exaggerating at all. She’s been PUNCHING things. She’s about to get escorted out of the building while I just sit here pretending to feel sad about it. I mean, really. Gather up what’s left of your pride and leave! Don’t stay here throwing baby-like temper tantrums. It’s not going to get your job back and it’s not going to make you feel any better about yourself later on. Steal some paper products and be out! Anyway, when the president of the board came in, she looked at my outfit (which I think looks pretty adorable today) and kind of grimaced. I’m wearing a polo, a pair of jeans, and a baseball cap. What’s to grimace at? So I told my boss that the president didn’t like my outfit and you know what he said to me? He said “Joe, I think your jeans are cute!” WHA!??! An ex-military man tells me he thinks my jeans are “cute”? Fucking hilarious. I thanked him and made sure to walk behind him for the rest of the day. I don’t want him checking out my ass too! Summer TV is so fucking boring. Every night I search and search for something to watch and I always end up jerking off instead. I jerked off twice last night, mostly cuz I was so bored with TV. That was a great story, eh? Here’s my horoscope for today: “Prioritizing the people in your life is pretty much impossible at the moment -- at least not without hurting someone's feelings. Opting out and spending some time solo may be your best option.” Well that’s interesting. It was written specifically for me! Very odd, but I’m sticking with it! Okay, for some reason I just started to feel really down. I hate when my mood shifts so suddenly like that. I gotta go bury my head in the sand for a couple of minutes. Be back tomorrow

Changes and the Frustration that Goes with It Well here I am! I’ve been off from work for so long that it almost feels like I forgot how to do my job. I walked in to my office this morning and was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? I even forgot the password to the office voicemail. Basically I was all sorts of discombobulated. In any case, the mini-break was not the most enjoyable time of my life. I mean, there were definitely good moments here and there, but overall, it was very stressful. My parents came down to visit and as always they were a blast to be around. I talked to them about some pressing issues in my life and they were nothing, but supportive. My mom also brought me down a piece of artwork for my living room wall and the hope chest my grandmother gave to her before she got married…the first time. It’s a beautiful chest and I’m SO happy to have it. I put my wedding dress in it already. When I asked my mom where her wedding dress was, she said “I sold it at a garage sale for $5.” I freaked out and was like “WHYYYYYYYYYY?” My mom’s response, “Because I don’t like clutter.” I literally shit myself with laughter and then slapped her face. We also said goodbye to our favorite puppy, Rio, on Sunday. My heart smashed into a million pieces when I gave him my final hug. I was literally sobbing and he kept licking my face as if to stop the tears. When I walked Paul and him to the elevator, he refused to leave and kept following me back to my apartment. He didn’t understand what was going on and that made me cry even harder. I just love that little guy and I’m so in need of a puppy to call my own. I’ve been totally MIA from everything CuttheShit lately. I haven’t posted, I haven’t seen many of my friends, and I haven’t talked on the phone with any one. I’m very behind in my friendship duties and until my therapy appointment today, I was starting to get a little stressed out about it. I’ve received a couple of angry phone calls from friends of mine asking where I’ve disappeared to and honestly, I don’t have an answer. Truth is, I’m working through quite a few issues of my own and while I would usually avoid my issues, I’m confronting them head on. I understand that my friends are getting irritated with my seemingly lack of commitment to them, but in all honesty, this change in my life has been a long time coming. Everyone else focuses mostly on themselves…why can’t I do the same thing? And guilt-free? You know, it’s weird. I was in the best mood all day and then when I went to therapy, I kind of started crying at one of the things we were discussing and I have yet to pull myself out of that funk. Sometimes therapy builds you up and gives you confidence, sometimes it breaks you down and leaves you a bit frustrated. Today I feel broken. The goals I’ve set for myself seem too far off and the baby steps I’ve taken to get to this point just don’t seem to be enough. The next 6 months promises to bring many new and challenging changes into my life and I can only hope that I’ll continue to receive support from my family and friends. I guess if they make it more difficult for me to move forward then they were never really behind my getting happy to begin with. I shouldn’t worry about their level of support, but after the responses I’ve gotten this week, I almost feel a little angry and nervous about their commitment to my well being. People, as a rule, tend to be selfish in nature. Instead of me trying to find happiness by catering to other people’s selfishness, it’s time for me to focus on myself. Why do I feel like I keep saying this over and over and over? Probably because I still don’t feel like I can trust my friends not to make me feel guilty for doing what I need to do. And in some ways it pisses me off. In other ways, it just makes me sad. Follow your own path and your true friends will follow. I hope.

I Would Kick Anne Heche in the Cunt if I Could YAY FRIDAY! And even bigger yay cuz Monday and Tuesday is the Shavuot holiday and I’m off from work until Wednesday! As I said last week, being fake Jewish is SO the best. In fact, I fully just circumcised myself in honor of the upcoming holiday. The foreskin is sitting idly on my desk. Staring at me with its bloody eyes. Ok, like I wasn’t circumcised to begin with. You people will believe anything. My stomach is on a major rampage today. Hey…do you remember that Nintendo game called “Rampage”? It was the one where you got to be a dinosaur or a huge gorilla and then destroy whole cities and eat people as they ran away? It was like the lamest game ever, but I was obsessed with it. Mostly because I like any game where you get to eat innocent people and ruin their familie’s lives forever. Guess who WON’T be coming to Thanksgiving dinner this year? Your father, cuz I ate him as he ran away from my gorilla hands. Anyways…my parents are coming down tomorrow for a fun day in the city. I was going to take them to CNN and do a tour of their facility, but it turns out that the actual studios are in Atlanta. I mean, it makes TONS of sense that there would be signs in Manhattan for a CNN tour that only happens in Atlanta. Sometimes I want to smack the stupid shit out of people. And then I would eat their shit like the big gorilla in “Rampage”. I saw the movie Meet the Fockers this week. Was THAT a steaming pile of douche or what? Damn…way to ruin a decent original. I have to admit that Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand gave wonderful performances, but it wasn’t enough to save a tragically flawed script and execution. In fact, I didn’t laugh out loud once. Even when they flushed the dog down the toilet and almost ate foreskin fondue. I love envelope pushing, but I don’t love envelope pushing just to push. There should be a follow through, right? Or at least, right? Right? Right vs. might? Light? Trite? Rainbow Brite? I love rhymes. Thymes. Ray Fimes. Anyways…I was searching through Moviefone.com today for some movie suggestions to give Kelly and I discovered the trailer for the new Rent movie! I have to be gayly honest when I say that tears filled my eyes when I saw it. Rent is by far my most favoritest musical ever. In fact, I’ve seen it 7 times on Broadway and two of those times I was in the front row. I know (just about) every word to the show and my friends and I still belt out certain numbers when we’ve had a few drinks. This will be the first movie in a very long time where I will buy my tickets way in advance and be at the theatre uber early to get the perfect seat. Oh man, there are few things in my life that I get THIS excited about. The only thing that could top it would be getting cast in the actual show. If that is all that I ever do with my acting career, I could totally die happy. You know what my stomach just said to me? It said “Fuck you mister man!” What the fuck is up with it today? I’m so nauseous for absolutely no reason. I didn’t drink last night. In fact, I barely ate yesterday at all. Fuck my stomach. FUCK YOU Mister Stomach man! Tonight I will probably be going to the movies with Paul. I know I should be seeing Star Wars and I DO want to see it. But most of me wants to see Crash and the maniac in me wants to see High Tension, mostly cuz the lead girl looks like a much cooler version of Anne Heche. I can’t stand Anne Heche and her crazy, fake lesbian, bullshit. Not that we have to discuss that anymore today. I’m so glad Ellen ended up with Portia De Rossi. She’s kind of a bitch, but she’s much prettier and way more talented than Heche ever was. Whoops. Sorry. I said we weren’t talking about Heche’s nut bag self anymore today. Alright…peace in the middle east y’all! I’ll try to stop in here on Monday and Tuesday for an update, but if not…don’t miss me too much! HAPPY FRIDIZZLE! (fuck off heche)

Dinner for Two Last night I had dinner with an absolutely amazing guy. For the purposes of this journal, let’s call him Gary. Just cuz Gary is a funny name. At least it’s a funny name to me this morning. In any case, I met up with Gary near my apartment and we went out for pizza and salad at this quaint little place near the South Street Seaport. At first I thought I was going to be the overbearing guy cuz Gary is much more reserved than me. In fact, I think it was his reserved nature that drew me in from the get go. We talked about our boyfriends, our lives, and the different aspects of our personality – details of which very few people can understand. I found Gary to be charming, a gentleman, and completely interesting. So interesting in fact that I confessed to him that I had lied about having to be at a theatre meeting by 9pm. I just didn’t know how comfortable dinner was going to be and whether or not we would get along. After an hour with him, the last thing I wanted to do was end the night early. Aside from the fact that our waitress was kind of an asshole, we had a nice meal and then went over to the South Street Seaport to watch the boats go by and talk shop. We sat on a bench together and got to know each other just a little bit more. I found his background to be fascinating and I was oddly comfortable opening up to him. I shared quite a bit about my personal life with him and at no point did I feel like I was making a mistake by doing so. It is so rare for me to meet a gay guy that is normal and cool and down to earth. So rare in fact that for a good couple of hours, I was completely smitten with Gary. Maybe it was his shy demeanor or maybe it was his intelligence and self effacing attitude. I’m not entirely sure. Usually I’m really picky when it comes to giving up my free time to people I don’t know, especially if they’ve found me through my journal. It should go without saying that I’m not exactly like the guy I portray on this website. I mean, the stories are based on truth, but in many ways, I’m very different from the Joe CuttheShit you read about. At the end of the night, I didn’t want to say goodbye to him. Gary lives near San Francisco and it will be a while before he visits NYC again. I was pretty sad to see this great new guy breeze in and out of my life so quickly, but I guess them’s the breaks. Gary walked me back to my apartment and we talked for a bit more. I hugged him goodbye and watched him get on the subway. Later on in the evening, I probably pushed the envelope a little too far with him. I called him once and texted him twice. It wasn’t so much an act of desperation as it was admitting to myself that this new friendship has many limitations. Gary lives on the other side of the country and we’re both in committed relationships, not that we would immediately fall in love or anything. It just felt good to hang out with a guy like Gary and I didn’t want it to end so abruptly. And when Joe wants something, he pretty much does what he can to get it. I have experiences like this so rarely. I meet a lot of different people in NYC and it’s always an interesting life lesson. This time, however, it was more than a lesson. It was a reminder that there are gay guys out there that are into more than just hooking up and playing the game. There are guys, like Gary, who are in control of their urges and are genuine in their intentions. I just had such a good time and I’m still thinking about it today. Definitely an evening I won’t soon forget.

Hydrochloric Bangs - Thank you Jessica Simpson! Well, I’m proud to report that my fire engine red face has now simmered down to a cool magenta. My eyes were actually swollen a bit last night and Paul tried to cool them with a Key Lime ice pop. Needless to say, I didn’t ask for ice pops on my eyes and when he did it, I screamed in pain. And also in annoyance. Who wants to get off their ass to wipe green sugar goop off their eyes? Surely not me. And Laverne not Paul. I’ve totally used that joke twice in one week. And it wasn’t even that good of a joke. So last night I’m standing in front of the mirror getting ready to wash my face when I noticed the most peculiar thing. My “bangs” (as though boys have bangs) have turned blonde! UM! Usually I have very dark brown (almost black) hair in the winter and then during the summer, it becomes a lighter brown. But never before have I had blonde bangs in front. I was wondering what the fuck did that when Paul pointed out that it’s from the Proactive solution I’ve been using. HUH. I had no idea! And to be totally honest, I LOVE the blonde in front. I’m totally turning into a gay punk. Rocker that is. I told Paul that I’m going to start washing my hair with Proactive. I’m going to look so fucking cool! As I said yesterday, I’m having dinner with one of my readers tonight. I’m a little bit nervous about it only because it doesn’t seem as though we have that much in common, other than the fact that we both think I’m the super best! Sike. Well, sorta sike. He doesn’t drink alcohol, which is great for him, but makes me think that I shouldn’t drink alcohol. But since that would never happen… I’m taking him to this healthy restaurant for dinner since he doesn’t put shit in his body the way I do. This kid sounds super cool, but it is very possible that I’m going to scare him off with my alcoholism and cigarette smoking. Ah well, to each his own, I guess. Luckily I have some awesome jokes prepared to make the conversation lively. Why don’t I run one by you and you can tell me if I’ll keep him laughing: On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack. Boooooooooooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha! Holy SHIT that’s comedy. Oh man, I’m in trouble. In any case…I’ll just have to win him over with my new blonde Proactive bangs. I was talking to Kelly this morning and she told me that 4 out of the 8 people at my party got some sort of food poisoning from our party. Um. I don’t really understand how it happened since we served pizza rolls and pigs in a blanket, but still! Four of them puked for two days. I was completely fine and so was Paul and Ari, but there must have been some sort of bacteria in the food they ate. Or maybe they haven’t washed their hands in like 4 days. And to be totally honest, my friend Mariah showers about once a millennium, so it makes sense why she got sick. As for Kelly, she helped me make the food, so what happened?!?! I’m about to leave to have my Tuesday ritual lunch with Miss Ari. I’m muchly excited. Today should be fun. I have lunch plans, dinner plans, and plans to jerk my cock so hard when I get home. I’m going to blow my load right on to the dog. Only because we have to give him back to his owner this week. And really, it’s only fair that she should have to clean up my jizz bomb. Have a Happy Tuesday everyone!

Happy Fucking Annoying Monday! I was supposed to have lunch with my boss today and then 10 minutes before we’re supposed to go, he bailed. I was happy about that, but also like what the fuck? I could have had lunch with Kelly and her cousin today, but I told her I couldn’t due to my boss wanting to be my best friend. And then he cancels. I smell douchebaggery! In any case, left with nothing to do, I decided to go to the roof of my building and lay out in the sun. That was either a really smart move or a really lame move since I scorched my pale skin. I’ve decided that I want to get a wicked tan this summer, so why not jump right in? Well OOF DAH! My face feels like it has third degree burns on it. Good thing I’m wearing a red baseball cap…it makes my face look a little less bright. But how fun was it lying on the roof of my building? So fun! Cept if my boss had come up there, he would have caught me half-naked basking on a blanket. SURPRISE! In other news, the Murder Mystery Party was a fantastic success! Kelly and I worked our asses off for it. In fact, I didn’t sit down from like 5pm until 1:30am when I got home from the bars. My legs were so sore. I should probably start doing more cardio. Or any at all. Everyone came in costume and then played the game very well. Kelly and I served KILLER (get it…cuz it’s a murder mystery party – a har har har har snort!) appetizers and refreshed any drink that needed refreshing. And to be totally honest, they weren’t so much killer (a har?) appetizers as they were multiple in number. I’m talking pizza rolls, pigs in a blanket (hot dog roll ups, as I like to call them), dips, chips, and lips! Cept not so much lips. At the end of the game, the unthinkable happened! Kelly and I had everyone read the solutions to find out who the killer was. Basically the person who has number 1 goes first, then 2 goes second and so on. Number 8 is the killer, so they should read last. WELL OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS! I totally misread the directions and had everyone read from number 8 to number 1 by accident. As soon as the person playing the killer read number 8, I looked at Kelly and was like OH FUCK! WE DID IT BACKWARDS! I’m so anal about EVERYTHING, but of COURSE I go and BLOW it at the very end. Ay yi yi. But overall I think everyone had a great time. Once I cleaned up the entire apartment (told you I’m anal), most of us head over to Henrietta Hudson’s (the local lesbian hangout) to go dancing. That’s about the most exciting part of that story. I ended up back at home around 1:30am and Paul walked in shortly after that. He proceeded to get wasted as he did on Friday night and I threw his ass in bed when he couldn’t stand anymore. Yeah. Hanging out with Paul over the weekend…I’d like to call it Adventures in Babysitting, yet our version wasn’t nearly as entertaining. Tomorrow night I’m having dinner with one of my readers. How weird is that? Pretty weird for me since I don’t usually meet up with people who read this journal. Something about the worlds colliding that I’m not too comfortable with. But this guy lives in California, so if it turns out that we hate each other, we don’t have to cross paths ever again. But I’m sure it will be fine. Except he doesn’t drink alcohol and he only eats healthy food. Basically he’s who I want to be when I grow up. Even if I am two years older than him. So I found out this morning that one of my favorite bodybuilders passed away. I was kind of upset. It’s not like I knew him in person, but still, he was someone that I’ve looked up to since I was younger. Paul Demayo, rest in peace, my man. Well I guess that’s it. Hopefully your Monday is like mine – almost a distant memory!

Murder on the Hot Dog Express Tomorrow night I’m throwing a Murder Mystery Party! If you have never been fortunate enough to partake in a Murder Mystery Party, you don’t know whatcher missing! Everyone gets an invitation in the mail that gives them a character description. They are required to show up in costume and act as though they are the character that they’ve been assigned. Kelly and I are hosting the party and we will take on characters of our own. Since it’s a 70’s themed party, we will dress in hippie type clothes (which means lots of patchouli, hemp necklaces, and dirt on our faces) and serve drinks and appetizers throughout the game. My characters name is Larry “Purple Haze” Lightfoot. No. For real. Kelly says that name sucks, but the best she could come up with is either “Tilda Radner” or “Stone-la Wall”. We’re BOTH going to have to scramble to do a better job than that. The game itself consists of four rounds of play; during which each of the characters reveal clues about themselves. At the end of the game, all realize that one of the people at the party is the killer. The winner is the person who correctly guesses who the killer is and why they did it. Could it BE any more awesome? The theater queen in me is screaming with joyous delight. I’ve tried to plan this party 3 times before, but each time it fell through. At this point, if people cancel on me, I’m totally dressing up as all of the characters and acting out the game of myself. And yes, I will keep the super cool prize that Kelly and I have purchased. Fun, fun, fun! I especially love hearing the messages from my friends who have been calling non-stop with worries about what to wear and how to act like their character. My typical answer is “stick your fingers in your puss and the answer will reveal itself.” Makes a lot of sense, no? In other news, I make these appetizers called “Hot Dog roll-ups”. Yeah, it’s the most creative name I could come up with and you love it. Anyways, they are cut up hot dogs that are rolled up in crescent rolls. Then you bake them for about 13 minutes and when they’re done, they’re brown and warm and look like this: (), but horizontal, not vertical. You understand. These roll-ups are a favorite among my friends and lately, Paul has been addicted to them. I made them TWICE this week and I’m planning on making them for the party. I even came up with a new dipping sauce that’s totally fucking good. Unfortunately, after eating 15 hot dog roll ups this week, I’m about to puke at the thought of them. But I guess that’s good. More for the friends. Wait…did I just take up two paragraphs writing about hot dog roll-ups? Whoa Joe. Whoa. Look at the rhyme I just came up with! It’s totally surreal: If gays are gays and gays are straight, then bi’s are bi and bi’s I hate. But I don’t really hate bi’s. I hate tri’s. Cuz that’s just sick. Alright, I’m out of here for the day. Yeah, being fake Jewish….it’s totally the best. I get to leave my job at 1pm every Friday. And the worst part about it? I don’t feel bad for you for having to stay until 5pm. Cuz really, what the world needs is less cry babies. SLAP! Don’t worry, I slapped myself for you. Take care!

God, Jesus and the Men that Ruin it for Us Lately I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking on religion and the role it plays in my life. To give you a little bit of background…I was raised Baptist by my wonderful parents. I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior when I was 8 years old and then again at 13. You see, at 8 years old, I thought I understood what it meant to become “Born Again”, but to be on the safe side, I went through the whole process again when I was 13. Just to make sure I covered all my bases and understood completely what I was agreeing to. :) In the Baptist religion, we don’t believe in baptisms until the individual fully comprehends the choice that he/she is making. There is no sprinkling of water on a baby’s forehead, although that seems to be a beautiful tradition to me. Also, as a Baptist, we don’t practice our faith in almost ANY of the same ways that Catholics do, although we do admit to being as judgmental as them. It was this type of attitude that eventually drove my family away from organized religion in its entirety. During my formative middle school years, I attended our church’s Baptist school. It was K-12 and to be totally honest, I was the only 6th, 7th, and 8th grader. When I graduated from middle school to the high school, I was valedictorian and salutatorian all in one! Hahaha lame. It was at this time that I was going to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and a major part of our church’s youth group and various other ministries. I was completely submersed in the culture of the Baptist religion. And for a long time I thought that the world was a very small place and that only SINNERS didn’t live their whole lives within the church walls. I even planned on attending a Christian college. Most likely Pensacola Christian College in Florida. However, during my 8th grade year at the Bible school, our church fell apart. Our pastor took off and left the congregation high and dry. We all voted on a new pastor and his reign of terror began immediately. Within a matter of months, this devil man had run most of the original members of the church from the congregation. There was actually a meeting held in which the members of the church voted whether to keep him or not. He won the vote by a very small margin and we were all forced into a “church split”. A “church split” is one of the most ugly and hurtful things that can happen to a congregation. Essentially what happens is that half of the church follows one member to a new place of worship, while the other half of the church stands behind the current pastor. It was a VERY horrible time in my parent’s life. Our old pastor called my mom a whore and told us that we were living in sin by befriending black people. WHA?? Yeah, the man was totally nuts. And this was only the beginning of the threats and turmoil that he caused the CuttheShit family. Anyway, we moved church’s and started fresh with a new pastor. The five years or so that we were with him were again wonderful. Of course we still had some lingering bullshit with our previous pastor, but as a new unit, our church grew exponentially. But then it happened again. Our wonderful pastor moved upstate and we were once again forced to pick a new leader. As had happened before, we loved the new pastor until he showed his true colors and once again we were stuck in the middle of ANOTHER church split. Shit got really ugly again and things were said from the pulpit that (I’m sure) God was furious about. Over time, my parents and a number of other families were asked to leave the church. So in a matter of 15 years, our belief system and trust in the “church” was destroyed by two horrible Christian leaders. It was incredibly upsetting and my family has not joined another church again. In fact, my dad ran into one of our old friends from the first church a week or so ago. After a few minutes of the conversation, this man told my father that he just found out his brother was gay. My dad was incredibly responsive and explained that his own son (me) was gay too. Instead of being any sort of a support, this man told my father that I would burn in hell for all eternity. AND that he could give him the number of a Baptist preacher who’s been known to turn gays straight with the Lord’s help. My dad told him to get the “fuck out of his face” before he “went ballistic”. Needless to say, the man tucked his narrow minded, judgmental tail between his legs and walked out. Turning gays straight through God!??! Is there ANYTHING else more offensive?? Or ignorant? Not in my world! Both of my parents, my brother and I believe to our core that Jesus is the savior of mankind. I, in particular, believe so truthfully in the Bible that it’s hard for me to imagine there NOT being an ark built by Noah or an apple eaten by Eve. To me they’re not just stories. They’re factual accounts of real life events. My friend Rita has always said that she admires my blind faith when it comes to the Lord. And I guess I admire it too. It makes everything a lot easier. I don’t think I’ll ever join a church again that proclaims to be Baptist, or Lutheran, or Methodist, or Catholic or any other religion underneath the Christianity umbrella. I’m so tired of the judgmental nature that each one of these religions spew forth. God didn’t put us on the planet to criticize and drag each other down. God put us here to love each other, help each other, and to focus our eyes on Him. Anyone that tells you that you are going to hell for one reason or another needs to shut their mouth immediately. There is one person that makes that decision and I wouldn’t want to mess with Him, if you know what I mean. The hardest aspect of the Bible for me to understand is the difference between Heaven and Hell and who ends up where. I personally believe that if you don’t accept Jesus as your personal savior, you will go to hell. It is very clear in the Bible that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. But that’s not a decision for me to make for you. And it’s not my job to remind you every day that you will go to hell without passing go. Haha. Ha? God judges us and it’s up to Him to make that decision. I’ve talked to my Jewish and atheist friends about this many times and while it hurts me to tell them what I truly believe, deep down I just hope that God has a better comprehension of what it means to be “saved”. It breaks my heart to think that ANYONE would go to hell. Yet, I believe in it and am completely unwavering when it comes to understanding the pathway of salvation. Quite the dilemma. I don’t know why I’ve decided to write about this topic today. It’s been on my mind a lot lately and I’ve just begun reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I’m truly hoping that by the end of the 40 days it takes to read it, I will feel much more fulfilled spiritually than I have in the last year. I also need to find a church that will accept me for who I am. And most importantly, a church that won’t spew hate from the pulpit every Sunday morning. I need to find God in my every day life in order to be happy. And most importantly, I want to make Him proud by the work I do here on Earth. It is a BIG deal to me and lately I’ve felt as though I’m letting Him down. For those of you out there that think Joe CuttheShit has gone mad, I understand. I’ve heard it all before. It’s so funny, cuz I don’t come across as a Born Again Christian, but you would be surprised how deeply convicted I am with all of this stuff. God is my life and the one that I report to on everything. I talk to God more during the day than I talk to my own boyfriend. Weird, right? I wish it wasn’t so hard to find the truth in the world. But if it takes blind faith to do so, then I guess you really could consider me one of the lucky ones.

It’s Your Own Fault if You Read this Lame Shit Well hellooooooooooooooooooo! How is everyone doing? How was the Memorial Day weekend for you? Did you enjoy the weather? Did you eat hot dogs and hamburgers? Did youzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. My weekend was excellent! Way better than I could have ever anticipated. My girls took such good care of me and I ate and drank like a king – er - queen! A kingqueen! I had a special moment with each one of the girls this weekend. It’s so funny that you can know people for YEARS AND YEARS and still not know everything about them. Particularly, my friend Nina. She has grown up into this successful, beautiful woman. I am so impressed by how much she has changed her life. She is an inspiration to the rest of us who think that the upward battle is just too hard. My eyes were opened big and wide this weekend and I feel totally blessed from having had it. That being said, I’m back in New York and ready to continue on with my hum drum life. Actually, this weekend I’m throwing a Murder Mystery Party at my apartment. There are 8 people invited and they will come dressed in costumes and try to figure out a gruesome murder case. It’s totally hilarious and I’m pretty psyched about the game. I’m hosting so I still need to come up with a character for myself. I’m thinking that I’ll be a super hot gay butler. A gay butler that has three nipples maybe. Or maybe- My sense of humor SUCKS today. Can you tell? Or were you not even aware that I was making jokes? I’ve been going through this thing lately where I lose my “game” out of nowhere. One minute I’m the star of the party, the next minute the only reaction I get to my jokes are cricket sounds and a random cough. It’s totally lame. And to make matters worse, I just gave myself a killer hangnail. Fucking great. I’ve been totally man hungry lately. For so long now the anti-depressants I’m on have caused my libido to shrivel up and die. But in the last couple of days, my lust has been insatiable. It’s like being the old, horny me again and it feels great. Plus, during the summer, guys just look so good. Short sleeve shirts, tight around the bicep, pecs full and pumped. I’ve wanted to whip out many dicks lately and have a suck. SLAP! That was me reprimanding myself for being so boring today. Hmmmm….there must be SOME story that I could tell. Let’s see…let me rack my brain-dead self. (Racking) (racking) (more rack) (less ing) (rackles) Got it. Yesterday when I was walking into work, this drug addict asked me for a cigarette. I was in a pissy mood and I said “No”. He proceeded to follow me all the way to my office yelling at me for being a “selfish prick” or whatnot. I told him to fuck off. End of story. ARGH! Help me help myself. It’s maddening how LAME of a personality I have today. If I were a horse, I would be so lame that they would have to put me down. Cuz you know how THEY are. Maybe this story…I got sunburned on the back of my neck yesterday. Yeah, no. This isn’t working at all. Ok, I’m just going to casually back out of the room and hope that no one notices. I’ll just quietly slip away and then when no is paying any attention MAKE A RUN FOR IT!